Happy Valentines Day - Update on Foster Care

Yesterday we spent our Valentines Day away from home all day. We were with each other but we were completing PRIDE classes #3 and #4.  These classes focused on abuse, attachment and loss.  Not very "loving" things to talk about on such a love filled holiday.  I'm glad that we were able to spend it together anyway.  And we are that much closer to completing what is needed for fostercare. 

We completed class #1 and #2 last week and #3 and #4 yesterday.  So we have done 12 hours. We have 15 hours left and 2.5 more Saturdays.  So we are almost there!  And most of our paperwork has been filled out.  We have a couple more home studies to complete in the next couple of weeks as well.  Then everything we will be sent off to be approved by the state. 

We are also officially "Safe Family" approved.  So we could potentially receive a call for that. 

My road to Joy

My road to Joy...it's not a road yet really...just a a small pathway that I know will turn into a road.  Currently it is my road to Joy but am hoping that it soon will be OUR Journey to Joy.  What's Joy, you ask?  Not only an emotion but a name of a child...meaning being "joyful in the Lord" as an important duty. In modern times, it generally signifies the parents' joy in their new-born child, or with the intention of wishing her a happy life."

During the first week of August, adoption thoughts started flooding my head again (if you didn't know they were part of my thoughts, I recommend you reading this blog post first).  I am not sure what triggered them but nonethelesss, they were there.  It's not like I had forgotten about it or her...but I've been kind of sitting back and waiting to see how God works.  During the last few months of just waiting on the Lord, I have been taking some time to take a good look at my life and the life of my family.  God has been revealing some things that I need to change in my own life and in my household in order for us to move forward. 

On Monday August 16th I woke up with a sore throat.  I was feeling very overwhelmed...my house was a mess, my kids were a mess...everything was just a mess.  I decided to check out my friend's blog since she put an update on facebook.  Her post for that day was about how she feared the "a" word when she first felt God calling her to it.  I did too...but it wasn't the adoption part, it was raising up another kid.  Like her, I felt like surely He wasn't calling us to that...but the signs kept coming that this was His plan for her and that is how I feel about us.  As I continued reading her post she said "adoption isn't easy but it's a joy-filled process" and she described a moment of rocking her adopted son for the first time.  It dawned on me that I felt "joy-filled" back in November when I was rocking Brody and God revealed the name "Joy" to me at that time.  I remember thinking J.O.Y...Jesus On You or Jesus Over You...Joy is like feeling Jesus over you...and if Joy is out there yet, I hope she feels that and knows that. (Joy is not the only name revealed so don't be surprise to hear me call her KJ).

While reading my friend's blog, she highly recommended another person's blog.  So I clicked on it to check it out (http://www.buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/).  As if thinking about adopting one wasn't enough, this lady has adopted 5 plus has 4 biological children.  Her post for the day: "Reluctant husband part 1".  What do you think that was about??  It's focus was on what role I play in my husband's reluctancy to adopt.  Fortunatley for me I already knew that I had a big part in this, so it wasn't that hard of a hit for me.  I was excited to see what she wrote. Here is some of it:

So let me ask you-
What if you changed?
What if instead of blaming your husband- you began to show him by your actions where your heart truly is?
What if you quit complaining about the laundry, grumbling about cleaning the house and cooking the meals? What if you quit spending money on things that have no heavenly value and started being content with the material things you have?
Or better yet, what if you downsized?
What if you learned to live on less so that you could give more?
What if YOU changed- instead of expecting your husband to?
And what if- after doing all of that- your life started looking different? What if you started being different. What if taking some of that pressure off of your husbands shoulders made your marriage stronger? What if you started not just showing up at church because you were taught you were supposed to- but started praying together as a couple and started seeking the heart of God?
And what if, after doing all of this, your husband quit feeling so reluctant?

So go ahead, sit down with your husband, take his hand and tell him how thankful you are that he is a protector and a provider. Listen to his heart and listen to his fears. Pray together, seek God and search His word. Ask Him to show you- ask Him to make His will clear.

I was thanking God for protecting me and my heart...it wasn't as bad as I thought.  I was arleady on the road to doing some of these things!  Phew...but there is still work to do.  Luckily for me, the money/contentment is not an issue...it's not what I ask of from my husband.  Sure there are a ton of things I could and probably should give up...and I am totally willing to.  Many of you have seen me bring our family "piggy bank" to McDonalds just so I wouldn't have to ask my husband for more money.  I ran out of the Mary Kay that I have used for 12 years and settled for some free stuff I got while couponing...my face is a mess but I did without it so I wouldn't have to ask for money.  I am dying to buy a pair of sunglasses so I will stop having headaches when I play in the sun with the kids...I coupon...didn't have a cell phone for 2 years...the list could go on with the things I am willing to do without.  We all have our struggles in life and in our marriages - mine is not contenment/money but there are many other things I need to work on (p.s. I have been known to complain and I'm not very good at thanking him and praising him for who he is.)

I went to bible study that evening feeling more overwhelmed.  I listented to prayer request after prayer request on adoption and foster care.  One lady was adopting her first and going through the process, one is adopting her 4th, others potentially adopting again.   One lady shared a vision she had about children needing homes and how they are starting the process of foster care.  Okay, Lord, I get it...I am suppose to do something here, right?  I'm all for it...you have to MOVE in my husband though.  As I was just a few minutes from home I was listening to Patty Dudley on the radio (WCIC, WIBI, etc).  She's the host of What Matters Most from 7pm to midnight on family friendly radio stations all over Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, etc from what I can tell).  This is what she was saying as I was pulling in the driveway (she sent me a copy via email): "Writing for Christianity Today, Pastor John Coulombe Allen Klein, notes the power of laughter and exhorts Christians to not turn into the proverbial "cranky grouch" as we age, but rather be known for our joy. After all, being saved into Christ, we—more than anyone else—have cause for joy and that joy should be a testament to the world." (thinking of this makes me think of not the emotion, but the child...how she could be a testament to the world...and we all have a cause for all the "Joys" out there...and how she is "our joy")


I sat in my car with my mouth wide open and tears streaming down my face.  I laid down for bed and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  My throat had turned from burning to scratchy and I knew those were the nights I am not able to sleep.  I got up and thought I didn't want to waste any time.  I searched the scriptures on the word Joy.  I found this verse:  "Always be joyful.  Never stop praying.  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus" 1 The 5:16-18.  Pray...that's what I'll do.  So I prayed in the dark living room.  Around 11:30, I heard Brody start to cry in his room.  I figured if my throat was hurting then maybe he was starting not to feel well either.  I scooped him up in his big monkey blanket and we rocked.  I was so cozy wrapped up with him in the rocking chair and he was so still and peaceful.  As I sat there rocking him, I remembered just 9 months before rocking him because he was sick (when the name Joy was revealed),  I remember hearing....and seeing...and feeling JOY all around me.  I thought of all the children out there that would love to have a blanket for comfort like Brody's...would love to have a mommy come in and rock them...would love to have someone to just care for them.  I wondered what it would feel like to rock a child that wasn't biologically mine but was nonetheless given to me by God.  I bet it would be just as joy-filled.  I rocked...and rocked...and rocked.

I was dying to know exactly what Patty Dudley had said on the radio the night before.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and how cool it would be to have it documented.  On my way home from a meeting on Tuesday night, she was on the radio ago.  She provided her toll free number which I called.  I was prompted to leave a detailed message with phone and email address so I did.  I didn't hear anything for one whole week - Tuesday August 24th.  I received a call from Patty Dudley personally!  She asked if she could hear my story (I had mentioned a short version on my message) and record it for use later on the air.  To hear the edited version see the right hand side of my blog for the clip.  There were a couple of parts left out but this is what would be played on the air.

I have had this post saved as a draft for nearly a week.  I was waiting to post it until I could get the information from Patty.  I just recieved the article/quote on "joy" that Patty was talking about that night and also our audio clip/interview that is on this blog post.  Very excited to see what happens next!

1 The 5:16 Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus"

It's a long but AMAZING story

Okay...so I've been praying about what to write on the blog and God's been prompting me on a couple of items.  So I have MATERIAL!  The reason I started writing on here was to glorify God through life experiences He gives me.  The main one or two He gave me, I haven't even shared on the blog yet.  One is my testimony and the other is really the reason I started writing on the blog...I knew this would be a great avenue to share an amazing story.  I thought I wouldn't share the story until it came to fruition but God is prompting me now to share.  Over the past year God has been revealing some HUGE things to me...things I think that are meant for me, but I am not sure.  I have been getting the feeling lately that some things He revealed to me were not meant for my family...but for someone else's.  There have been several things that have led me to this conclusion but I am still unsure.  I am not sure if this is the Accuser (Satan) putting thoughts in my head, or if it really is God's prompting.  I guess one way to find out, is to put the info on the blog and see if it effects the family my heart is thinking about or maybe that it effects someone I wouldn't have suspected.  Or maybe it IS for my family AND for someone else's - double bonus!  And sharing it on the blog shows my faith and trust in God (because these things aren't really all that easy for me to share...but I am trying to be transparent...the whole purpose of writing on the blog).  Either way, it's all part of God's plan and the story is just too amazing to keep to myself!  I know it means something, but it hasn't all come together yet!  No matter what I means, I feel strongly that it is a story that God gave me to share with others whether that's before it's all played out or not.  And right now, it's not complete...


I've been journaling these events in my "private" journal...some people know the story, some know parts of the storey, and others don't know any of it. Don't feel left out if you haven't heard it...I have been hesitant to share and have only asked for prayers surrounding it.  Also, my hubby is not in the same place as me on it so that makes it difficult. So here goes...


Last February (2009), I was woken in the middle of the night (keep in mind this happened frequently as I had a 4 month old).  When I awoke, a vision occured.  I saw a little dark skinned girl with dark curly hair and brown eyes.  She looked to be around 2 or 3 and I was unsure of her race.  She was not black...but she was not white.  It was clear that she needed a mommy and was to be adopted...at the time I thought by me.  I was awake during the vision and I was brought to tears by the sight of it.  I thought to myself...I only had one glass of wine with dinner...and I have a 4 month old who does not sleep through the night.  This seriously can't be happening to me.  Brock and I have always said we only wanted 2 children.  Although adoption always sounded neat to me, I never thought it was for us.  But God can change that, right?  So therein lies the desire.  I went back to bed thinking I'd forget about it by morning, which kind of happened.  But later that morning I was brought to my knees by the word of God and could not get the child out of my head.  I sobbed that morning over this situation.  I was scared, overwhelmed, and even overjoyed by God choosing me.  I thought of Esther saying "at such a time as this". 


It probably wouldn't surprise you to know that I did not share this with my hubby right away.  We just had what we thought would be our last baby...and he had a vysectomy...seriously, the wound was still fresh.  But was this part of God's plan?  To ensure we had no more biogical children to leave room for an adoption?  Plus, I wasn't convinced myself.  I had never had a vision...I never fully trusted God with something and handed the control over to Him.  In this case, I had to. It was all that I had to cling to...


Then the Lord was very quiet.  It wasn't until November, 9 months almost to the day, that it began to stir in my heart and mind again in a big way.  I went to the Beth Moore conference on 11/6.  I prayed that God would give me a sign at the conference.  Going to the conference with 5+ other women who had already adopted or were thinking about it, was a start.  I heard an awesome new song called "Do it Lord"...here are part of the lyrics...

I see your glory, covering the earth Lord

Just as the waters, covering the seas

I see the millions, coming to salvation

I see revival, fire in the land

I see the lost, nameless ones remembered

I see the widows, shouting out your praise

Is see the friendless, loved and celebrated

Orphans fullfililing Lord, your calling on their lives

Do it Lord, do it Lord,

Do it Lord, we are praying;

Do it Lord, do it that your glory may be seen. 

Wow, how His glory would be seen if we were to adopt.  Everyone knew we only wanted 2 children, but if they saw how our hearts were changed to follow what He wanted for our lives, what an amazing story that would be to tell. So I prayed...prayed that if adoption was something God wanted us to do, that He would continue to show me more signs (I was just a little "faithless":).  And boy did the signs come...That next Thursday (11/12) when I was rocking my son, a girl's name (or could also be a kind of emotion) popped into my head.  I was overcome with the feeling that this was to be the name of the child.  That night, I went to the Ladies Tea at our church.  One of our pastor's wife spoke about their road to adoption of their children.  She also used the name I learned of earlier at least 3 times in her testimony (yes, I counted).  The following Sunday (11/15), our pastor spoke about Jesus reinstating Peter (John 21).  God kept asking Peter "Do you love me?"  And Peter says "yes of course" and then God says "then feed my sheep"...he asks him this 3 times and gets the same response.  Which is what I do.  Yes, Lord I love you...but...

I felt like God was saying through this "Trust me...if you love me, you'll follow me, you'll feed my sheep, you'll do anything I ask".  Verse 18 says "I tell you the truth that when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go (adoption or another child was not really where I wanted to go).  Then Jesus says in 19 a simple "Follow me".  Even when it is somewhere you don't want to go.  That same Sunday our pastor announced and asked for prayer for a family who left to go pick up their adopted children.  Sheesh...Okay, Lord...

Then on Wednesday (11/18), Brock and I were watching TV.  It was some show about Football wives.  And wouldn't you know it...the couple had 3 biological children - boys (one who was an infant like Brody when I had the initial vision) and they were preparing to adopt a girl!  Okay...that one was for Brock, right Lord?

Then on Friday (11/20), we had a speaker come to our MOMs group.  She spoke about the adoption of her little boy and the process they were going through on adopting again.  She said the "name" 6 times in her testimony (yep, counted again).  Then I was so overwhelmed and emotional...Okay, okay Lord...I get it.  I asked for signs and you delivered all that in a 2 week period...AMAZING.  So during our prayer group, I felt brave (and pushed) enough to ask the group for prayers surrounding it.  I was very hesitant to do this.  I knew Brock wasn't on the same page and I was afraid it would get back to him.  But this was so much bigger than me...I need prayers from many if this was going to come to pass.  God told me to believe Him, to trust Him...so I asked for prayers.  After I did this, I started feeling embarrassed...Satan came and said "God's not going to come through for you...and you're going to look like a FOOL!"  I prayed right away...for me to BELIEVE what God was revealing was true.  Sunday came and I opened my devotion to the title "Belief and the Believer".  The first sentence was this (I used this in my very first spiritual post) "God seems to work in themes in my life.  You know what I mean.  Every sermon, morning devotional, and Christain radio program all "coincidentally" speak to me about the same subject for an uncomfortable length of time".  One of the questions in that day's work was "Have you been afraid to "put God on the spot" because you might look foolish if He didn't come through for you?"  OUCH!  Uh-huh...just yesterday as a matter a fact.  Then it asks you to describe a time when your fear of looking foolish controlled your actions - OUCH again.  I was afraid to ask for prayer over the aboption because I was afraid I had misunderstood Him...or that He wouldn't come through for me.  That very same Sunday...went to church, opened the bulletin...Today's topic?  BELIEF (trust me, I kept the bulletin).

That next week on Wednesday (11/30) another girl's name popped into my head so I looked its meaning up on my computer.  It meant "royal forest".  Okay...and the 2 names sounded good together.  Okay...so on a whim decided to take the kids to the Children's Discovery museum.  While we were playing, a white mother came in with her white son and a little girl that looked just like the one in my vision.  I felt God saying "go talk to her".  Uh-uh...no way...and we moved to another workstation...but wouldn't you know they followed us where ever we went until I just couldn't take it any longer.  Reece and the little girl were playing and us mothers were standing there watching.  So I got up the nerve to say "I know this may sound strange to ask, but where did your little girl come from?"  In which she replied "Indonesia"...ding, ding, tell her what's she's won, Johnny?!!  I had explained that my husband and I were considering adopting (now, I am liar too) and we didn't know where to start.  We were interrupted by the kids moving on to other places, so we moved on too.  By the end of the day we were back on the 1st floor next to her (I actually took a picture of the 2 girls playing by each other - and so I'm a stalker too).  I overheard her say to her son that they were getting ready to leave.  I hurried over for my last chance to get some information.  I asked her what adoption agency she went through.  She said "Illini Christian Ministries".  She said she didn't have a web address but if I googled it I would surely find it.  To which I did...it was the first thing listed on the results page.  I looked around on it but didn't do much with the info.  I also googled "Indonesia" which is home to the most forested region, many of which are considered ROYAL FORESTS! Come on, people...I can not make this stuff up!!

I let it go a week or so and then felt that I needed to talk to Brock about it.  I was hoping that during that week, that God so graciously spoke to him about it so that my part would be easy.  Not so much...We went to Chuck E Cheese on (12/7). While putting on Brody's tennis shoes, I lifted the tongue of the shoe to shove in his chubby foot and saw the words "Made in Indonesia"...Seriously?  What's made in Indonesia?...most forested region on the planet?...okay, Lord, I'll talk to him.  We got hom from Chuck E Cheese and after I put the kids to bed, I came in to read my email.  I noticed that one of my emails had been read (this has never happened before)...it was from a friend (who oddly enough has the same name as one of the names I was given for the child) and she said she had been praying for us in the adoption situation and wondered how it was going.  My heart sank and I knew he had read the email.  I asked him and he confirmed.  We talked about it all - all that is documented here on the blog.  He told me that God has not spoke to him in this way and that as of right now, he just doesn't see that happening for us.  Of course I was crushed...God wouldn't lead me in one way and my husband in another, if this was His plan for us.  I know God can change that though...he changed it in me.  And well, he's God!  The next morning, I opened my bible  to search for something on "trust".  I needed to trust God in the situation.  The daily devotion I found in my bible was called "Strength out of Tears" and of course about ADOPTION.  This verse was printed on it "The Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion.  For the Lord is a faithful God.  Blessed are those who wait for his help"

So...I'm waiting.  I am waiting for God's help.  Because I know I can't do it.  He's in control and I'll let Him be.  It's actually very freeing to let go of it and know that it's in His hands.  I know that if it's suppose to happen...it will...in his timing. 

It kills me to say that this is the end of this post...that there isn't some other news to share.  But I know this isn't the end of the story.  It will be used in my life or a life of another...or BOTH.  He's amazing...His intention is not to make me look foolish...He is completing a good work in me..and through all of it, I want to give Him glory!