I've been journaling these events in my "private" journal...some people know the story, some know parts of the storey, and others don't know any of it. Don't feel left out if you haven't heard it...I have been hesitant to share and have only asked for prayers surrounding it. Also, my hubby is not in the same place as me on it so that makes it difficult. So here goes...
Last February (2009), I was woken in the middle of the night (keep in mind this happened frequently as I had a 4 month old). When I awoke, a vision occured. I saw a little dark skinned girl with dark curly hair and brown eyes. She looked to be around 2 or 3 and I was unsure of her race. She was not black...but she was not white. It was clear that she needed a mommy and was to be adopted...at the time I thought by me. I was awake during the vision and I was brought to tears by the sight of it. I thought to myself...I only had one glass of wine with dinner...and I have a 4 month old who does not sleep through the night. This seriously can't be happening to me. Brock and I have always said we only wanted 2 children. Although adoption always sounded neat to me, I never thought it was for us. But God can change that, right? So therein lies the desire. I went back to bed thinking I'd forget about it by morning, which kind of happened. But later that morning I was brought to my knees by the word of God and could not get the child out of my head. I sobbed that morning over this situation. I was scared, overwhelmed, and even overjoyed by God choosing me. I thought of Esther saying "at such a time as this".
It probably wouldn't surprise you to know that I did not share this with my hubby right away. We just had what we thought would be our last baby...and he had a vysectomy...seriously, the wound was still fresh. But was this part of God's plan? To ensure we had no more biogical children to leave room for an adoption? Plus, I wasn't convinced myself. I had never had a vision...I never fully trusted God with something and handed the control over to Him. In this case, I had to. It was all that I had to cling to...
Then the Lord was very quiet. It wasn't until November, 9 months almost to the day, that it began to stir in my heart and mind again in a big way. I went to the Beth Moore conference on 11/6. I prayed that God would give me a sign at the conference. Going to the conference with 5+ other women who had already adopted or were thinking about it, was a start. I heard an awesome new song called "Do it Lord"...here are part of the lyrics...
I see your glory, covering the earth Lord
Just as the waters, covering the seas
I see the millions, coming to salvation
I see revival, fire in the land
I see the lost, nameless ones remembered
I see the widows, shouting out your praise
Is see the friendless, loved and celebrated
Orphans fullfililing Lord, your calling on their lives
Do it Lord, do it Lord,
Do it Lord, we are praying;
Do it Lord, do it that your glory may be seen.
Wow, how His glory would be seen if we were to adopt. Everyone knew we only wanted 2 children, but if they saw how our hearts were changed to follow what He wanted for our lives, what an amazing story that would be to tell. So I prayed...prayed that if adoption was something God wanted us to do, that He would continue to show me more signs (I was just a little "faithless":). And boy did the signs come...That next Thursday (11/12) when I was rocking my son, a girl's name (or could also be a kind of emotion) popped into my head. I was overcome with the feeling that this was to be the name of the child. That night, I went to the Ladies Tea at our church. One of our pastor's wife spoke about their road to adoption of their children. She also used the name I learned of earlier at least 3 times in her testimony (yes, I counted). The following Sunday (11/15), our pastor spoke about Jesus reinstating Peter (John 21). God kept asking Peter "Do you love me?" And Peter says "yes of course" and then God says "then feed my sheep"...he asks him this 3 times and gets the same response. Which is what I do. Yes, Lord I love you...but...
I felt like God was saying through this "Trust me...if you love me, you'll follow me, you'll feed my sheep, you'll do anything I ask". Verse 18 says "I tell you the truth that when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go (adoption or another child was not really where I wanted to go). Then Jesus says in 19 a simple "Follow me". Even when it is somewhere you don't want to go. That same Sunday our pastor announced and asked for prayer for a family who left to go pick up their adopted children. Sheesh...Okay, Lord...
Then on Wednesday (11/18), Brock and I were watching TV. It was some show about Football wives. And wouldn't you know it...the couple had 3 biological children - boys (one who was an infant like Brody when I had the initial vision) and they were preparing to adopt a girl! Okay...that one was for Brock, right Lord?
Then on Friday (11/20), we had a speaker come to our MOMs group. She spoke about the adoption of her little boy and the process they were going through on adopting again. She said the "name" 6 times in her testimony (yep, counted again). Then I was so overwhelmed and emotional...Okay, okay Lord...I get it. I asked for signs and you delivered all that in a 2 week period...AMAZING. So during our prayer group, I felt brave (and pushed) enough to ask the group for prayers surrounding it. I was very hesitant to do this. I knew Brock wasn't on the same page and I was afraid it would get back to him. But this was so much bigger than me...I need prayers from many if this was going to come to pass. God told me to believe Him, to trust Him...so I asked for prayers. After I did this, I started feeling embarrassed...Satan came and said "God's not going to come through for you...and you're going to look like a FOOL!" I prayed right away...for me to BELIEVE what God was revealing was true. Sunday came and I opened my devotion to the title "Belief and the Believer". The first sentence was this (I used this in my very first spiritual post) "God seems to work in themes in my life. You know what I mean. Every sermon, morning devotional, and Christain radio program all "coincidentally" speak to me about the same subject for an uncomfortable length of time". One of the questions in that day's work was "Have you been afraid to "put God on the spot" because you might look foolish if He didn't come through for you?" OUCH! Uh-huh...just yesterday as a matter a fact. Then it asks you to describe a time when your fear of looking foolish controlled your actions - OUCH again. I was afraid to ask for prayer over the aboption because I was afraid I had misunderstood Him...or that He wouldn't come through for me. That very same Sunday...went to church, opened the bulletin...Today's topic? BELIEF (trust me, I kept the bulletin).
That next week on Wednesday (11/30) another girl's name popped into my head so I looked its meaning up on my computer. It meant "royal forest". Okay...and the 2 names sounded good together. Okay...so on a whim decided to take the kids to the Children's Discovery museum. While we were playing, a white mother came in with her white son and a little girl that looked just like the one in my vision. I felt God saying "go talk to her". Uh-uh...no way...and we moved to another workstation...but wouldn't you know they followed us where ever we went until I just couldn't take it any longer. Reece and the little girl were playing and us mothers were standing there watching. So I got up the nerve to say "I know this may sound strange to ask, but where did your little girl come from?" In which she replied "Indonesia"...ding, ding, tell her what's she's won, Johnny?!! I had explained that my husband and I were considering adopting (now, I am liar too) and we didn't know where to start. We were interrupted by the kids moving on to other places, so we moved on too. By the end of the day we were back on the 1st floor next to her (I actually took a picture of the 2 girls playing by each other - and so I'm a stalker too). I overheard her say to her son that they were getting ready to leave. I hurried over for my last chance to get some information. I asked her what adoption agency she went through. She said "Illini Christian Ministries". She said she didn't have a web address but if I googled it I would surely find it. To which I did...it was the first thing listed on the results page. I looked around on it but didn't do much with the info. I also googled "Indonesia" which is home to the most forested region, many of which are considered ROYAL FORESTS! Come on, people...I can not make this stuff up!!
I let it go a week or so and then felt that I needed to talk to Brock about it. I was hoping that during that week, that God so graciously spoke to him about it so that my part would be easy. Not so much...We went to Chuck E Cheese on (12/7). While putting on Brody's tennis shoes, I lifted the tongue of the shoe to shove in his chubby foot and saw the words "Made in Indonesia"...Seriously? What's made in Indonesia?...most forested region on the planet?...okay, Lord, I'll talk to him. We got hom from Chuck E Cheese and after I put the kids to bed, I came in to read my email. I noticed that one of my emails had been read (this has never happened before)...it was from a friend (who oddly enough has the same name as one of the names I was given for the child) and she said she had been praying for us in the adoption situation and wondered how it was going. My heart sank and I knew he had read the email. I asked him and he confirmed. We talked about it all - all that is documented here on the blog. He told me that God has not spoke to him in this way and that as of right now, he just doesn't see that happening for us. Of course I was crushed...God wouldn't lead me in one way and my husband in another, if this was His plan for us. I know God can change that though...he changed it in me. And well, he's God! The next morning, I opened my bible to search for something on "trust". I needed to trust God in the situation. The daily devotion I found in my bible was called "Strength out of Tears" and of course about ADOPTION. This verse was printed on it "The Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help"
So...I'm waiting. I am waiting for God's help. Because I know I can't do it. He's in control and I'll let Him be. It's actually very freeing to let go of it and know that it's in His hands. I know that if it's suppose to happen...it will...in his timing.
It kills me to say that this is the end of this post...that there isn't some other news to share. But I know this isn't the end of the story. It will be used in my life or a life of another...or BOTH. He's amazing...His intention is not to make me look foolish...He is completing a good work in me..and through all of it, I want to give Him glory!