A public declaration regarding a religious experience.
Last year I felt strongly that I needed to give my testimony if I were to move forward in my walk. So for the first time in my life, I gave my testimony at the MOMs group on April 17th, 2009. As I have written in the past, my main focus for writing on the blog (other than making updates about the kids) is to be transparent in my daily struggles and to give glory to God for what he has done in my life. And hopefully along the way we can learn something. Obviously not all the circumstances in my life have been pleasant but through each of them, there has been growth. So here lies my testimony as of 2010. I say that as a disclaimer that I feel that testimonies are fluid...they continually change. It has already changed since I gave it last April and it will continue to change.
I’ll warn you that I may say some tough things...tough things about my family life and tough decisions I have made in my life. God had me go through all those things according to His perfect purpose by which I and hopefully others can grow and learn from. I struggled with how transparent to be...but if we’re going to call this a testimony, I feel like God is pushing me to be pretty honest and transparent. Obviously I can't document every detail and sin in my life on the pages on this blog. The things I have chosen to write about are the ones I feel are important in telling my story and glorifying God in the process. This is in no way me trying to bash anyone or telling you a list of things I have done in my life to glorify ME...this is my testimony...my public declaration regarding religious experiences in my life. When I made some of the choices (or ashes as one may say), they weren't considered religious experiences at the time, but God has turned those ashes into beauty...a crown. I don't like those ashes but it was all a part of His perfect plan to bring Him glory. I mean, if He can save me...show mercy on me...forgive me...love me...call me beautiful...believe me (or should I say Him), He can and will do it for anyone! So...ready to hear all the shocking stuff you never knew about me?
Background
We’ll start off with the easy stuff...
I consider myself very fortunate to be raised in a Christian home from the start. My grandpa (mom’s dad) was a pastor of 40 years so we were definitely raised in the church. I have two brothers and I feel blessed that I have parents that are still married. In my grandfather’s church, we did not believe in baptisms as a baby...my grandfather did full immersion baptisms . I was always told that baptism was a choice that needed to be made by me, so I never was as a baby, child or teen. I was baptized right before I got married at the age of 25.
Childhood
I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior when I was just 3 years old by my Sunday school teacher. I would like to say that since age three I have had a close personal relationship with Him...but that would not be much of a testimony now would it? Three seems a little young to be saved but being that my grandfather was a pastor I suppose it just happened that way. I was raised in grandfather’s church in Peoria from the time I was born until the time he retired when I was about 10 years old. During that time, we were in church pretty much all the time - Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesdays, and participated in Awana and vacation bible schools. My mom and dad were both raised in Christian homes and went to church every single time the doors were open when they were growing up. My mom lived in a home where there was praying before every meal and bedtime, an open house to strangers and missionaries, family devotions, no make-up, no dances, and no “devil’s music”...none of which we practiced in our own home when I was a child. My parents were a little burnt out on the church life. Mom usually took my brother and I to church without my dad. My mom stayed home with us and my dad worked outside the home, so I guess he used Sundays as another day off in which he did things around the house. My dad was a workaholic and perfectionist. My dad was never very encouraging...he always thought there was a better way of doing things. For example, I was a runner and broke the high school record when I was just a freshman and qualified for state, but he still thought I could do better (This was likely a tactic to motivate me further, although I never felt good about the accomplishments I had made). At home, we didn’t pray before meals or bedtime, we didn’t do devotions together, etc. We were told to obey because we would have to answer to God. I was often told to “save yourself for marriage”...but we never talked about it or why it was wrong or what it would do to me later in life in my relationship with my husband. The answer I always got was “because the bible says“. Most of what I learned about God was from Sunday school classes and my grandparents. My grandparents were key people in my walk through life with Jesus Christ. I remember even as a child if I ever asked my grandpa a question about anything, he always turned to the bible. No matter what the question was or how badly I was thinking “DON'T open the bible”...he was always consistent and always shared a verse. High School years
After my grandfather retired, my grandparents started attending a large church in Peoria. I spent a lot of Sundays with my grandparents, soaking in all the godly things I was missing out on at home. In high school, I enjoyed Sunday school and youth group at their church as it was much larger than the one I attended. There were a good group of 50 high schoolers that attended which allowed me to meet new people and take the focus off of me. I can say I mostly attended to meet boys and find better friends... trying to fill an empty spot that was created by my earthly father and friends and boys that attended the small school I went to. I sang in small choral group of 6 girls who traveled and sang. In high school....I wasn’t a bad kid...I was a cheerleader, ran track, played in the band I didn’t get into drugs or alcohol (I at least waited until I was out of high school to start and be on the verge of alcoholism) but I did struggle with the peer pressure on how to be “beautiful“ on the outside. That being said I struggled with anorexia. Standing at 5’6 I weighed in around 100 lbs...and when I looked in the mirror I thought to myself “if I was thinner, they’d put me on the top of the pyramid”.
I did a lot to get the attention of boys...so much longing to be loved by someone. I had a lot of self esteem issues...I had a father who was not encouraging, had bad hair, glasses, braces, was scrawny, and was flat chested (and teased badly for all of the above)...so any boy that noticed me made me feel beautiful...made me feel whole.
2nd grade 8th grade Sophomore At my thinnest...
I dated the same guy all through high school and my parents pretty much forbid me to see him. They wouldn’t let me date til I was 16 so I snuck out to be with him. I was told if I was still dating him at age 18 that I couldn’t live in their home any longer. So...2 days after graduation, I moved in with him. We got engaged...all the while I knew this wasn't the life for me....I never wanted to live with someone before I got married and I knew it was wrong. He was a Christian but I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me. He was very badly physically and verbally abused as a child, so in turn, he abused me in those same ways. I was finally brave enough to call off the engagement and move in with a friend. One thing I learned during this time is to be patient in God‘s timing. I was always in a hurry to grow up and get married not allowing God to be in control. It says in Habback 2:3 (although talking about end times it can apply to other things) "It will certainly come... . If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."
After High school to present
I moved to Bloomington at age 19. I was managing the Blockbuster Video in Peoria and got transferred to the Bloomington store, where I knew absolutely no one. I met a guy who helped me get a job at a large insurance company and we dated for 3 years. He had transferred with that company from California. He said he was a Christian but he didn’t walk the walk. He was a typical "bad guy" that smoked a pack a day, was on the verge of alcoholism, had tattoos, loved blondes and breasts - none of which I had. So in order to please him, I got a couple of tattoos and took up smoking and drinking with him. For some reason I thought I would end up with him forever. After the first year of emotional abuse and peer pressure about how blondes and breasts were the way to go, I dyed my hair blonde and got a breast implants.
I did all of that and I still wasn’t beautiful enough for him. He transferred back to California never to be heard from again. I did all that to please someone else...to feel whole...to feel beautiful...when I should have been pleasing God and letting Him fill me. It’s so hard being a girl...a woman...isn’t it? Remember, I was teased badly for being flat chested in high school also...had low self esteem...not a lot of encouragement in my life...I just wanted to feel good about myself or at least look normal in a swimsuit. But the fact of the matter is...I changed my body...the body God’s precious hands made. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body”. Luckily, God is a forgiving God...through God’s grace He has forgiven me. And He loves us all for who we are because he made us and we are beautiful to Him. And I say this to you because we as women and girls all struggle with this...we all want to be beautiful to others...even when the price is high...as high as changing ourselves inside and out to please others...to feel better about ourselves. God is the only love who can fill your soul. He is the only One who will ever be enough. His love promises to make you whole. Until you know that and believe it, you’ll just continue relying on others to make you feel whole...I know...because I have done this my whole life...and once I believed this, the guy I was no longer looking for, showed up...
.jpg)
the friendships I gained were more fulfilling...
when I looked in the mirror, I could finally get a glimpse of what He sees in me.
Angela Thomas in her study called “Do you think I’m Beautiful?” says this “The heart of a woman longs for the completion and perfection we won’t know until heaven. The heart longs to go home where it belongs, with God. The Lord created us with an empty spot inside only HE can fill. NO MAN can do what the Savior is suppose to do in your life. You can still be made WHOLE even if your earthly father didn’t give you what he should have. Your CHILDREN can never fill you up and make you whole (this is why we see a lot of young girls wanting babies...they think they will love them....make them whole). GIRLFRIENDS can’t ever be enough to be the Savior your empty place needs. NEW STUFF doesn’t even give you a taste of being filled by God. The ONLY way is the GOD way. God calls YOU beautiful...and it’s true”
I met my husband through a mutual friend. We were friends for a year first and I remember him talking about a men's bible study he was in. So I asked him where he went to church and he told me East White Oak and that he had gone there since he was born. We started talking about our faith, how we were raised, and our values. He invited me to church with him. He was pretty much the only guy I had dated that talked to me about Christ before anything else. So I knew that was important to him as it was for me even though I had not been living that way. We dated a year and half and got engaged. During that time I joined this church and was baptized here. Since we have been married and going to EWO, I have learned so much about what marriage is suppose to look like and be like. I see how important putting Christ in the center of our marriage is.
Before I had my daughter, a friend invited me to join her women’s bible study which I still am a part of today. I have learned so much from those studies. As my life continues, my testimony is not complete...you see, God is not done with me yet...He has big plans for me...I am just not quite sure what they are yet. In January 2009, my grandfather passed away. I would say that was a true turning point in my walk. With him leaving his awesome legacy, I have had this feeling...this calling from God to do more with my life to glorify Him. My grandfather was always a positive and funny guy. Even his last few years in the nursing home and on his death bed he had a good sense of humor and was upbeat. He had a couple of strokes over the past few years and even though he could barely talk he still found ways to glorify God, be a witness, set an example, and even tell a joke. The nurses all loved him. They said usually they start to dislike their patients because they become negative and demanding with them...but not grandpa...they said he was wonderful until the end. And when he died, they all cried. And I thought to myself, how do you live a life like that? What a legacy to leave behind! So after his funeral I just felt this fire in me to learn more in God’s word. I felt God pushing me to do more with the gifts He has given me. Which reminds me to take a step back and write a minute about completing my associate and bachelor’s degrees a few years ago...
After I moved to Bloomington and before I met my husband, I had gone back to school to get my degree. I figured I would need/want a better job but I also knew I wanted to stay home with my kids someday...but God pushed me into going to school anyways and I never really knew why. I did complete my associates and bachelors with a 4.0 while working full time. This was quite an accomplishment as no one else in my immediate family that has a degree. I know that it was all part of God's plan to work hard to get my degrees. By doing that, God gave me the tools I would need to get in His word, research, understand, and possibly teach it to others. God planted these seeds...God allowed me to work full time and complete my degree (which was paid for in full)...the avenue that I chose to do my course work and even down to the courses I chose to take, all play a part in what God has planned for my life. So...after my grandfathers death...God just kept consuming my life...I was so thirsty to learn more about God so I could share it with others. God gave me visions of praying with people, speaking in front of people and even singing (yes scary), not to mention the whole adoption story (see here). God revealed the opportunity to give my testimony last year which was something I had never done...I felt this was the next step in completing whatever it is that He is wanting me to do with my life. God has been showing me public speaking and singing in my visions - specifically with teens - and I am overwhelmed with what He has planned in my life. But I am open minded and trying to be obedient with what He wants me to do - even though I am scared to death. I remember something my grandmother told me...she said that if she knew that my grandfather was going to be a pastor of 40 years, she never would have married him. She said the thought of that would have scared her to death. But she says she would never change her life. And when he died she leaned into the casket, kissed him good bye and without a tear in her eye she said “He really was a good husband...why are you all crying? He's having a party in heaven and he is not suffering anymore!” Such peace! God has a plan for all of us...it can be so scary but if we are obedient and listen to His call for us, we will receive many blessings from Him. During the time of my grandfather's death, I was doing a bible study through Beth Moore on Esther. How would I know this book would speak so much to me on God’s calling for me? (I have used this writing before:) Beth Moore says it best in her study called "It’s tough being a woman". “None of our purposes will be fulfilled easily. All of them will require the most difficult decisions we think we can make. Decisions that we may feel will practically kill us (aka putting this on the blog).“ She goes on to say “At some of the hardest times in my life, I have been able to make the more difficult choice out of pure blind-eyed, bent-kneed acceptance that it was somehow part of a greater plan. I was beaten by a conviction that throbbed relentlessly against my strong self-centeredness. As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I’d sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life”.
So where am I now?
I am in the process of prayerfully considering some different opportunities for growth and development. I have my hands outstretched saying, “God, here I am...I'll follow you”. I feel mostly like King David. As a boy he was told he would be a king. But before he could get there he had various tests, learning opportunities, knowledge, and growth that he had to acquire. Thirty years later, God followed through with His timely plan and David became King David. I know that I have so much to learn before I can even attempt to be in the place He wants me to be. In the process, I am learning on the fast track. I read His word and pray daily. I can't even count on my two hands the amount of times I have read something in a book, bible, online, etc and it appears 2 or 3 other times in other places that same day or week. To me, this is so I can learn it faster...hearing things over and over, it becomes engrained in my thinking, speaking, and living. I feel strongly that I am to be doing something in public speaking so I am trying to remain available and willing for those opportunities. Since I finally started listening back in January of 2009, here are some things that I've done to achieve some of God's goals for me and listen to what God has revealed to me:
- Gave testimony publically – 4/17/2009
- Spending time alone with God each morning - 9/2009-present
- Spoke on the topic of prayer/quite time – 11/6/2009 (will be posting this topic to the blog in weeks to come)
- Writing of God's glory on public blog - 2010-present
- Spoke at the “Beauty on the Inside Out Conference” (women and teens) – 3/6/2010
- Serve on MOMS (Moms Offering Moms Support Committee) 2009-present
- Co-lead 2010 Summer Bible study - 6/8/2010-7/6/2010
- Joined and attend BSF - starting fall 2010
- Wait patiently on the Lord
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect" Romans 12:2
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" Romans 8:28
