As I sit in front of this blank sheet I am thinking "where do I begin?" My head is spinning and racing with things to write. I know it has been awhile. We have been super busy and I have been very overwhelmed. I know that God does not want that for my life...He brings peace. I finally get to a point where I am not sleeping and this is when I know that God has something for me. He doesn't want that non-sleeping period to go to waste...it's a time where He wants me to seek hard after Him to find out what He wants. I use to get so irritated and mad that I was losing sleep. Now when this happens I am excited to see what He will reveal to me in the end of it all! Last night was one of those nights. I didn't fall asleep before 2am and I was up at 5:30am. As I sit here writing, my kids are napping and I plan to also. But I know I will not sleep if I do not have some release of some of the things God has been revealing to me.
Our computer caught a virus and it's times such as then that I am thankful for a blog that I can document all my thoughts, learnings, etc through His teaching. That is also the reason I haven't updated any pictures of the kids as well. Thankfully, I had just finished burning the past 3 months of pictures onto discs (something I do every 3 months), so all those are saved. I will try and update some pictures of them soon!
Since I've written last, I have finished the book "Radical" and started a book called "The Creative Counterpart". While one book was showing me how deeply I have failed as a Christian, the other one is showing me how deeply I fail at being a good wife to my husband and mother to my children. After reading these, I started feeling like I haven't been doing a whole lot right...and wondering what in the world have I been doing in my life all this time. I know it's time to do something but am getting lost at wear to start. And to add to the mix, the Lord brought adoption to me once again just last week through all this week (I'll be writing about this more very soon). Why would he trust me with some little girl's life when I can't even handle these other things He has called us all to do? There are many, many things I need to work on in my life. Although many of them will not be visable to you when you see me next, I am working on them on the inside and am hoping by doing this, you'll see the changes on the outside.
One thing that has been reoccuring lately in my life, is the need to share the gospel with others. The book "Radical" talks in depth about this and the speaker that came to our church on Sunday (Mark Cahill) also shared about this. The question we must ask is "Where am I going when I die?" or "Where are others going when they die?" And should and do we care where we all go? The bible says we should care and we should do something about it. None of our earthly treasures matter if we do not have the eternal treasure of going to heaven. Matthew 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" There was one thing that jumped out on the page in the book "Radical" yesterday. At one time in his life, the author David Platt was struggling with whether to just send money or actually go on the mission trip to Sudan. The money it was going to cost him was more than he would be bringing with him when he went so he had to wrestle with some questions. What would they use the money for if he just sent it? What did the people there need most? The money? or his discipleship? He writes "I was immediately reminded that when God chose to bring slavation to you and me, he did not send gold or silver, cash or check. He sent himself - to Son....How will I ever show the gospel to the world if all I send is my money? Was I really so shallow as to think that my money is the answer to the needs in the world?" What I have been learning is that we can and should send money (give to the poor) but we should also go to the poor...the needy...not just poor in material needs but poor in spiritual needs...not just starvation from food but starvation from the truth of God's word...God wants us to not only share the gospel with people around us and in our own community, but he's also called us all to go to all nations. In all of my life, I have not done either of these things! And I called myself a Christian? I am a horrible example. So, I am ready for it...I want to go somewhere and share the news...and I want to go here in Bloomington/Normal and do it also! I want to set aside money for a specific purpose...pray for the world (operationworld.org). I don't have a total game plan yet, but I will be going on a mission trip in 2011 if not before! And I will be doing something radical in Bloomington/Normal! Just praying that God will make those two things very clear! Who wants to join me?!
Another quote from "Radical": "Going starts where we live, but it doesn't stop there...If there are a billion people who have never heard the gospel and billions of others who still have not recieved the gospel (and someone who dies every 2 seconds according to Mark Cahill), then we have the obligation to go to them. This is not an option. This is a command, not a calling. What is a matter of calling is where we will go and how long we will stay. We will not all go to the same places, and we will not all stay the sentlgth of time. But it is clearly the will of God for us to take the gospel to the nations."
Today at lunch when I was at an emotional high (or was it low?) for the day and about to fall asleep on my chicken wrap, my daughter started singing a song that I hadn't heard in months. It's not on the radio so I know she wouldn't have heard it there. She sings the lyrics by Travis Cottrell "I will shout...I will sing. Jesus you're my everything!" She couldn't remember all the words so I got that CD out and popped it in and cried like a baby...I am hoping this link works so you can hear the song: My Inheritance
"You''re my treasure, my inheritance...
I am rich. I am blessed.
In Your love and faithfulness.
You're my treasure and forever...you are my inheritance
What is silver and and gold
Or anything I could hold
Compared to You, Compared to You
What is fame and success, it's all vain emptiness
Compared to You, Compared to You
All that You hold in store, is all that I want, O Lord
I will shout, I will sing
Jesus, You're my everything
You're my treausre, my inheritance
I am rich, I am blessed
In Your love and faithfulness
You're my treasure and forever
You are my inheritance
My name has been changed
From sinner to saint
Because of You, because of You
Now You call me Your own
I know Heaven's my home
Because of You, because of You
All that you hold in store is all that I want, O Lord."
(Side note: When I started writing today, I thought it was going to be about adoption stuff I had on my mind and heart and it turned into this. Not at all what I saw coming! )