You may have noticed that I haven't been writing much the past 6 months. Or even more annoying that my "monthly" tip has turned into a bi-yearly tip if that is at all possible. Knowing the word more than the world is probably the most important "tip" we should follow and I have been struggling with this since I published it on the blog. So I continue to leave it on there as a reminder for myself!
The last 6 months to a year have really been rough for me. It all started with my trip to Costa in June. I guess I expected so much to happen to me because of that trip but I am still struggling to see why God had me go. I still feel like I haven't been able to process the trip and I feel like it is so unfair to my experience. I know that is a selfish thought, but that is how I feel. I went to bed feeling like a missionary, and woke up a mom and wife who felt very unappreciated for her efforts. I guess that should just be expected in the season of life that I am in, but I just thought it would be different.
The summer continued to go downhill for me. I had for the past 3 years, religiously (no pun intended) gotten up early to get my exercise and quiet time done before the kids got up. I was unselfishly always ready for the kids when they got up and things almost always ran smoothly. I felt great doing that and it stopped suddenly with my trip as I was preparing to leave and so exhausted when I reaturned. Then I just decided or believed a lie that it wasn't worth it...no one cared anyways and I should cut myself some slack and sleep in like so many other moms of young children do. I still stayed in the word, finished reading the bible in one year, and continued on for a 2nd round doing 100 days in the word with the women from my church. But my relationship with the Lord dwindled and He felt so distant. I was feeling more and more like I had done something wrong...so I continued in believing lies and sinning and going down wrong paths and making unwise choices (with money, friendships, parenting, being a wife). I have been drowning and overwhelmed trying to be a good parent and wife. My husbands long hours at work have been pulling us a part and its so hard to find time to connect when we have such small children that require so much of our time. In my heart, I know that we just need more of Jesus in our every day lives...putting ourself aside and doing what He wants...but we both continue to listen to and believe lies or half truths that the WORLD is telling us. I have to keep reminding myself to see what the word says...not what the TV, my friends (even good Christian friends), radio, input from others, etc say.
Things have come to a climax this past week or so. The anxiety that I thought I had under control, has been controlling me. I want to run away sometimes because I get overwhelmed by loud noises (due to the anxiety)...my heart palpitations are back as well as some spurts of insomnia and excessive sweating. I even had a rash and weird break outs! I have been feeling so out of control. I decided to try getting up early again. So I set my alarm and Monday I did it...worked out and showered and ready for the kids and we had a really great day again. I know that this is not the answer to my problems but it certainly helps and I know that is what God wants from me. I knew it three years ago when I started doing that and saw the many changes He brought on in my life because of it.
I honestly have some deep scars and wounds that I need to deal with from the past 6 months - many that I cannot share at this time. I have realized there are many other things from my past even back to my childhood that I have just not dealt with and it's time. It is likely that I will go to counseling although I am not sure where (I did research over the summer but then never committed). I know that my ultimate counsel comes from God alone and He will work and comfort me in ways that I cannot understand. I am leary to seek counsel and not have it come from the word...even good Christian counselors can give their own opinions and as we have seen...I am gullible and often believe what others say or others opinions.
Shortly after I was married (nearly 7 years ago), Brock and I attended a marriage conference where I purchased a book called "Lies Woman Believe and the Truth that sets them free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. They had ran out of the book at the conference but assured me they would mail it to me and took down my info. I never received the book. So back in January, I found it through a used bookstore online and purchased it. I was studying for my doula certificate and doing another study at that time, so I added the book to my library knowing I would read it some day. I talked to a friend about the book who advised me not to read it alone...to find a partner or do it as a study. Last week, I had another friend confide in me some things going on in her life that are very similar to mine. I told her about the book and we agreed to do it together. If anyone would like to join us, please let me know. It will be more like we read a chapter over a week period and discuss once a week over the phone or meet up if it works out. I have already read the first couple of chapters and I can tell it is definitely a book every woman needs to read. Not all woman believe in the same lies but we are all vulnerable to believing lies and half-truths from Satan...It's in our make-up...the way God made women...we can see that it started with Eve. Satan knows which things we will believe and he targets us for those. In the book, she gives many different lies we might believe and gives us the truth - what the word says about each of them - replacing the lies with truth. Memorizing these truths in my heart and mind will help me to destroy those lies from my brain! I remember writing about Eve this summer and how weak we can be as women...and I continued to be deceived. We can't do it on our own strength...we need the truth and word of God to help us. I know in my heart that this book has been placed in my lap at just the right time...although I do regret not reading it before this and possibly sparing me from some hardships. But God's timing is perfect and He is sovereign.
I'll leave you with a quote from the book by pastor Thomas Brooks: "Satan promises the best, but pays with the worst; he promises honor, and pays with disgrace; he promises pleasure, and pays with pain; he promises profit, and pays with loss; he promises life, and pays with death"